Thirteen things I probably shouldn’t have said at my bail hearing
By Nathan Tyree
1. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about that, your honor.
2. Dogs fucked the pope. No fault of mine.
3. I did it! I kidnapped the Lindberg baby!
4. What the hell is in my pants?
5. Hey judge, didn’t you used to be in porn?
6. Dude! I am so stoned.
7. Lawyer? I don’t need no stinking lawyer.
8. If I get bail, I am so gone!
9. Just out of curiosity, does Belize have an extradition treaty with the U.S.?
10. On my planet it’s quite reasonable to dress this way in court.
11. I don’t know, but black may not be your color.
12. I will not put my pants back on!
13. Bail Schmail.