Monday, June 29, 2015

Stories and such

I just happened to be looking at Amazon and discovered that Magazine of the Dead is ranked number 814 is comedy of all things! Comedy!

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Trump, Bitches!

Donald "The Donald" Trump is finally running for President of these United States (of Parody, I guess). This is, hands down, the best news for comedians since Banana peels were invented. Trump is a mashup of rigorous stupidity, vacuous pomposity, turgid speech and grand egotism on a scale never seen before. His bloviations on Immigration and trade are ridiculous and racist. His C.V. is laughable (he drove a casino into bankruptcy! Who does that? Really, who loses money with a casino?). He is a parody of a game show host and nothing more.

That being said, I want to run his campaign. His slogan should be:


This would be emblazoned over that photo of a raccoon standing on the back of an alligator. No explanation given, none needed.

His running mate should be Lindsey Graham (R - Narnia). Graham can wax eloquently about how he longs to bomb Iran to glass and preserve the beauty and tradition of the Confederacy while Trump demands that Mexico build a fence to keep America out.

Trump, Bitches!

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Transmissible spongiform encephalopathies

Transmissible spongiform encephalopathies

(Just for us)
by Nathan Tyree

The rhythms of their breath, looped together in twin syncopations, were like venal sin without repentance. Damp scents filled the dark room and the single candle cast shadows about like playful ghosts.

“Here” she said, placing the flat of her palm against his chest and pushing so that he rolled off her and tumbled onto his back.

“What?” He strained to see her in the low, shifting light.

She straddled his pelvis and worked herself down. As he entered her again she said “I don’t believe in God.”

“Not even now?” he asked.

She thrust her hips forward, grinding hard against him. He reached up and gripped her nipple giving it a powerful twist.

“Especially not now,” she said as she quickened her movements drawing closer to orgasm.
“I . . . I . . . Need to . . . “ he tried to make a clear sentence but she clasped her hand over his mouth.
“Shut up,” she said. “Don’t you dare come yet.” Her breathing was changing, they were no longer creating harmony. She was conducting. Then spasm. Release. Her body quaked in waves. The sky seemed to collapse around her.

When she was done she rolled off him and spread her legs. “Here, finish” she said.

He climbed atop her and did just that. When he had exhausted himself and pulled out she said to his receding form “that’s why”.

Types of Crows

Types of Crows
a poem of sorts

by Nathan Tyree

The Pied Crow seeks out windowsills and finds waiting cherry or apple left to cool.

The Cape Crow goes out at night and fight crime with his fists.

The Common Raven drinks PBR and listens to Journey and Styx in his trailer.

The Western Raven owns a saddle, but no horse. He likes sausage and peppers in his omelet.

The Carrion Crow, well you know about his eating habits.

The Hooded Crow tightens the ties on his hoodie and hangs at the corner with his bros.

Jackdaw from Wichita travels around refusing to share the water or the wine.

The Rook will checkmate your ass before you see it coming.

The Fish Crow eats worms.

The Fan Tailed Raven can keep you cool in the summer.

The House Crow has room for a family of four, but isn’t worth near as much as he was last year.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

My Understanding of Sex

My Understanding of Sex

Nathan Tyree

Deke asked me why a girl would want to sit on a guy's cock. We must have been ten or so at the time. It was august and we had been trying to suck the last bit of freedom out of summer before we had to go back to school. Our bikes were tossed over and almost forgotten. We were lying on our backs in the grass when he asked the question. The image I got was of a man standing next to a chair with his wang stretched out on the seat and some girl plopping down on it. It sounded painful to me and not at all in line with my current understanding of sex. The way I had heard it the girl had to lie on her back and the man had to get on top of her.

“What the hell you talkin’ about?” I asked leaning up on one elbow.

“You know my mom’s new boyfriend”

“Yeah.” I had met him a couple of times when I stopped by to see if Deke wanted to hang out. He was a tubby guy with a shiny brow that extended too far back. I didn’t like the way his eyes darted around when I entered the trailer.

“Last night I walked into mom’s room and saw her on the bed with him. It looked like she was sitting on his cock.” Deke didn’t look at me. I got the feeling that maybe he was embarrassed.
“I don’t know, man.” I got up and walked to my bike. I righted it and climbed on. “Come on, let’s go watch the girls at the pool.”

“’Kay,” he said and we rode off. We spent the afternoon looking through the fence at girls a few years older than us swimming and jumping and bouncing in their bikinis.